onlyoneof | (no subject)

There is a lot on my end.

. . .

Go ahead.

I don't want to give anything up. I... the past year has been hell on me. Outside camp, and now I just want to hold on to what I have. And what I have here, now, tangible is you. So I've held on to you, but we're not going to be here forever, and I think-- I don't know. I figure you think more about what we'll do once we get out. Houses and schools, and how you'll balance work with soccer practice.

I don't know. I... didn't. Hadn't thought about any of that until last night. My idea of the future is not very bright, I know I'll have a few years and then I'm going to war again. And it's not...

[rubs the back of his neck, sighing]

I don't think there's an after camp for us.

. . .

We don't know that.

... not with any sort of certainty, but unless I can somehow prevent the invasion or-- I don't know, travel back in time again. You know my priority will be to fight them, and your priority will be Jack. And if there is a war and the other universe isn't involved, I think you should take him there instead.

What are you trying to say?

That if our world is going to be invaded in four years, it's really not a good idea to start raising a child in it.

[eyes him steadily, quiet.]

[SEE THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT AFTER CAMP]

. . . I love you.

... and I love you, that isn't the issue.

And I love Jack. And I have to believe that no matter what happens, he'll make it. You were right in some way last night, you know? He has the right to decide his life without adults making decisions for him. That's what he's been doing, anyway. All I've ever wanted to give him is my love and support . . . have him know that no matter what, someone's there for him.

. . . I'm not making any sense. I barely slept. I love him.

I know, and he has to be your priority. And he deserves a better life than the one he's leaving behind... he's not gonna get that in a world at war, you know that.

. . . I want us to be a family for however long we have. I don't want to deny him that out of fear or the notion that I know what's best for him.

It's not a notion, it's a world at war or a world not at war. And whatever happens, whenever it happens I'm gonna be right in the middle of it.

. . .

You're gonna lose me too, just like Etta did.

That's what makes our time now so important.

[GOD I AM SO UNHAPPY]

I'm not arguing about now.

[I AM SO DEPRESSED RIGHT NOW.]

. . . mm.

But I can't promise you or Jack that we'll be a family. The best I can do is take it one day at a time.

He thinks of you as his father.

What today? After a whole discussion in which it was clear you didn't?

Are you saving any other low blows?

No, I just— I never noticed. I didn't. But when I think back, you and him— it's there.

. . . I'll go. Sorry.

I'm not saying any of this to hurt you, Lincoln. I just want to be clear on where we're standing.